Article:"A Rejoinder on Marriage and the Role of Parents"

A Rejoinder on Marriage and the Role of Parents

Dr. Mohammad Omar Farooq
Courtesy: Message International [June-July, 2002; p. 9]

In the April-May 2002 issue of the Message International (p. 13), under the segment "Learn Islam: Question Answer", Shaikh ... responded to a question posed by a young person about the rights and duties of parents and children in regard to marriage. To say the least, I am shocked and dismayed by his answer. No wonder that there is a widening rift between our younger and older generation, and many among our youth are misunderstanding Islam, confusing the prevailing culture with the teachings of Islam. And, how unfortunate it is that many of our own Shaikhs and Ulama are showing them the exit and paving their way to go astray. It is also a pity that the Message International has sought and published such answers. Now, let's take a closer look at the issue at hand. Please note that the comments below are based on what the questioner has presented and posed.

It is true that one of the most fundamental commandments of Islam is obedience and respect to our parents. They occupy one of the central positions in our schema of life and disobedience or disrespect to them is a serious and most unacceptable offense. Yet, it must be understood that disobedience and disrespect are not the same thing, and obedience to parents, according to Islam, is NOT absolute. While it is a sublime duty of the children to obey parents, there are limits to their rights and, while they can desire or even expect certain things from their children, not necessarily Islam has recognized ALL of their desires and expectations as "rights".

Second, one of the most pitiful aspects of Muslim family framework is that the concept and principle of Shura (consultation) is virtually absent. Islam teaches that children seek their parents' consent about marriage. Anyone who does not seek consent of the parents would be violating the Islamic guidance and may have to do some explaining before Allah. However, just like seeking consent is a vital part of Islamic decision-making about marriage, parents have no right to unilaterally decide about the prospective marriage partner of their children and impose such choices on them. Marrying someone whom one does not like or for whom he or she does not have a special feeling is not a religious duty and not agreeing to such marriage is not disobedience to parents. Any such expectation from parents that they can unilaterally seek, choose and/or impose a prospective bride or groom on their children has no foundation in Islam. As the Hadith says: Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: A virgin came to the Prophet and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. (Abu Dawood, Book 11, Number 2091)

If those parents really have said that finding a bride for him is "their job" and not his, then it simply reflects ignorance of many Muslim parents in regard to these matters. Helping to find a life partner is a human matter and, when needed, parents' help should be sought and they should conscientiously offer such help. However, it is NOT always their job, assigned by Islam. Moreover, just like parents can "suggest" (but not mandate) a prospective life partner for their children, it is not just that the adult children merely CAN suggest a possible bride or groom, but it is their "right" to do so. Any parents who deny their children to even suggest are not only ignorant about Islam, but they also need some basic education about parenting role and responsibility from human standpoint.

Third, Islam should not be used by any party in a selective manner of convenience. If these parents are so devoted to Islam in a
"strict" and "orthodox" sense, maybe they should not have allowed their son to go to a co-ed medical school, where their son would be bound to freely interact with unmarried women, observing and handling naked corpse of both genders. More seriously, the concept of "disowning" a son or daughter because he or she has suggested a life-partner has no basis in Islam. This would be like cutting off the bond of kinship, a most serious sin according to Islam. The Prophet has sternly warned: "The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise" [Sahih al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, #13]

Fourth, the questioner said "I made some errors in continuing my friendship with this girl." It is not clear as to what kind of errors the person committed. However, a person who seeks pleasures and mercy of God ought to know that Allah does not want us to be angels. He knows that we are human beings and to err is human. What he expects from us is as much as we (should and) try to be his devout servant, if we do err, we return to Allah, repent, seek his forgiveness and try not to repeat the same error. Here is a case that tells us how the Prophet dealt with people at the human level. There was a man who at a moment of passion committed a sin (he kissed a non-Mahram woman). The person, repentant, came to the Prophet, seeking guidance. The Prophet did not go ballistic or take a "holier than thou", disdainful, judgmental attitude. As the hadith says: "'Abdullah b. Mas'ud reported that a person kissed a woman and he came to Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) and made a mention of that to him. It was (on this occasion) that this verse was revealed: 'And observe prayer at the (two) ends of the day and in the first hours of the night. Surely, good deeds take away evil deeds. That is a reminder for the mindful' (xi. 115). That person said: Allah's Messenger, does it concern me only? He (the Prophet) said: It concerns every one of my Ummah, who acts according to it." [Sahih Muslim, Vol. 4, 6648] There is no license for licentious behavior in the above hadith. But herein lies the beauty of Islam that it treats human beings as human beings.

Fifth, there is a general and not-so-covert, gender bias in our religious establishment as the rights of men and the duties of women are disproportionately more emphasized than the rights of women and the duties of men. This disparity of emphasis is based on an unfortunate and unacceptable interpretation of Islam. Similarly, there is a tendency of unilateral mentioning and emphasis on the rights of the parents and the duties of the children, which is evident in the Shaikh's response to the questioner. In case of the response in The Message, the Shaikh's radar did not even detect that, if what the questioner has stated is true account of the situation, then the parents/siblings in question have claimed something - that is, unilaterally choosing a life partner for someone in the family to be a "right" - that Islam simply has not sanctioned.

People with knowledge are special blessings from God. They are to be duly honored, but it is also an earned honor. Before - or parallel to - their attaining knowledge or becoming specialists, many of those "learned men" should try to evolve and grow as human beings as well. Human insensitivity has become one of the tragic hallmarks of our religious domain. This needs to change following the spirit and examples of our noble Prophet.

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