| Is the terrible, selfish "I"
of marriage out of control?
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Is the terrible, selfish "I" of marriage out of control?
Women and Divorce in
Bangladesh:
An Islamic Perspective
Dr. Mohammad Omar Farooq
(Draft: Not for Citation; 3/31/2000)
Recently, the decision of Alochona, an internet discussion forum for Bangladeshis, to deal with such a pertinent topic is timely and welcome. I am also gratified to have this opportunity upon the invitation from Alochona Management to present these introductory thoughts on this topic from the Islamic perspective. If you had taken up on my invitation to visit sometime my website (http://www.globalwebpost.com/farooqm) and went to My Misc. Favorites part, you may have come across few of my favorite songs, which includes "Mor priya hobe esho rani, debo khopay tarar phul" (for audio file, see Nazrul Audio Collection: http://www.nazrul.org). With that song as one of my most favorites and my mind being busy with decorating my beloved's khopa (hair-bun) with flower, I hope you would understand that to talk about divorce is not so easy for me.
But however difficult and unpleasant the subject is, it still has to be dealt with, since socially so much is at stake. Just like marriage touches so many lives in so many different ways, so does divorce. However, divorce is generally a negative outcome and thus it devastates so many lives - even long after a divorce: emotionally, financially, and socially. Also, in the developed world, divorced women often carry the disproportionately greater share of a broad range of post-divorce burdens [#8, Weitzman].
Discussing this matter in the tri-contexts of (1) Islam, (2) women and (3) Bangladesh poses a level of cubic exponential complexity. Islam as we see it does not have much to do with what Islam really is: it is, indeed, so much distorted. Thus, it is not surprising that it is also so much misunderstood by Muslims and non-Muslims alike, especially at the popular level. Since this write-up is not going to be encyclopedic, to better understand my articulation, I have to presume a few things, including that the readers are generally familiar with some of my sketchy but pertinent writings, especially a concept paper "Fundamental Challenges Facing the Muslims" (http://www.globalwebpost.com/farooqm/writings/islamic/challenges.html).
Indeed, one of the challenges I identified there is related to gender issues, which is not a simple topic even in itself, but in the context of Islam is even more complicated, because in my understanding the distortions and misunderstandings about Islam are clearly exemplified in the case of gender issues. The context of Bangladesh adds further complexity, because particularly since 1971 Islam has been persistently put on trial, where parallel to some real "Islamic" intolerance, secularism has not meant mutual respect and tolerance either. Rather secularism has become a garb for vehement and systematic "anti-religion" prejudice, which in the context of Bangladesh is basically "anti-Islam". Thus, if Bangladeshis vs. Bangalis, Muslims vs. secularists, feminists vs. masculinists are not enough complicating factors, add to it personal level spouse vs. spouse - and need I say more about complexity?
Although I have spoken and written (at non-academic level) about several aspects of this topic in a scattered manner, this also provides me an opportunity for the first time to attempt to organize my ideas together.
Let me pose the following questions as sampler/starter in the context of Bangladesh:
1. Is the divorce rate in Bangladesh upward or downward?
2. Is the divorce rate higher in the urban areas or rural areas?
3. Is the divorce rate in rural area declining or rising?
4. What age group is most vulnerable to divorce?
5. (Generally speaking, i.e., not in the context of Bangladesh) Are most
divorces related to low-conflict or high-conflict marriages?
6. Are the divorcees, especially women, generally better off after divorce, especially in case of
low-conflict marriages (e.g., in the USA)?
I have to take an issue with the introducing comment by Alochona Topics Team: "Divorce - it's the taboo of the East, and the norm of the West..." (http://www.egroups.com/message/alochona/2717?&start=2688 ). This statement of generalization requires significant and broad qualification. West does have higher divorce rate. However, Roman Catholicism, the leading Christian denomination that grew in the lap of the West - around Rome - still does not recognize divorce. And, when we talk about East, as far as Islam is concerned - especially in the context of Bangladesh, divorce is definitely not a taboo; that is, if warranted, it is permissible; some time, even necessary. One question that hopefully should not be controversial is: Should divorce ever be a NORM? If not, then the underlying premise about the specific comment on taboo/norm is untenable.
Alochona's choice of this topic and inviting me to write about some aspects of it gave me the opportunity to educate myself on this a little better. However, the overall subject is complicated, controversial, and sensitive. Thus, personally, I won't be overambitious in regard to this topic. Others can set their own gauge in regard to their expectations. However, if we can have a meaningful and constructive discussion that can help us to develop some understanding of the pertinent issues, remove some misunderstandings, and provoke some thoughts with a little bit of openness, that might not be a small achievement.
II: Assumptions, clarifications and disclaimersI am not a scholar of Islam. However, despite my steep limitations and shortcomings, I try to be open-minded regardless of what I believe in. To me critically and effectively examining MY own notions, beliefs, arguments, and ideas is essential for personal growth and the search for truth and solutions. As we all know that this is, however, easier said than done, and I claim no exception. [See my article: Logic, Reason, and the Spirit of Inquiry]
Below I identify several premises about Islam and my assumptions that should help others to better understand my articulation and frame of reference. These are NOT unresearched or uncorroborated, whimsical statements. My other write-ups, a good part of which is at my website, provide the supporting material for most of these statements (and more will be added gradually). I would also clarify any such statements as necessary or called for. If some of the things mentioned in this articulation appear at odd with the prevalent culture or understanding, especially in regard to Islam, please don't start rolling your sleeves. Every single aspect mentioned here, even if not corresponding to our prevailing culture or orthodoxy, is fully supported - or in most cases required - according to Islam.
My broad premises about Islam:
1. Islam provides comprehensive guidance for humanity to lead their lives both at personal and collective level. The functionality of Islam is based on its holistic balance. Picking and choosing certain aspects for personal or social preference, without regard to the whole, may not produce the desired result. Sometimes such pick and choose approach may actually be counter-productive. [2: al-Baqara: 208; 3: Ale-Imran: 7, 20; 2: al-Baqara: 85]
2. The essential sources of Islamic guidance are the Qur'an and the Sunnah. We are to be respectful of the opinions of our pious and capable ancestors and their valuable contributions. However, we are NOT to imitate or follow them, if in conscientiously understanding, interpreting or practicing Islam in contemporary time, we need fresh thinking and solutions. [2: al-Baqara: 170]
3. Human experiences are valuable - no, indispensable - in understanding, interpreting and practicing Islam. There might be many autonomous contributions emanating from human experience that might not be in conflict with Islam. Many such human experiences may even help us to deal with our own incoherence or misunderstanding of Islam; for example, current system of popular or mass electoral system. [3: Ale Imran: 137]
4. Islam is based on Fitrah (innate human nature). In understanding Islam, also common sense is an essential tool.
5. In Bangladesh as well as South Asia, in general, the Hanafi Fiqh (jurisprudence) is overwhelmingly predominant. However, Muslims, individually or as a community, are not required to adhere to any particular school, as long as any cross-school adjustment is not motivated by mix-and-match for mere convenience.
6. Much of the contents of Islamic Fiqh is written or analyzed from men's viewpoint. As in the last few centuries, there has been virtual absence of women scholars/experts in Islam, their input and perspective are absent in the development and formulation of Islamic laws and codes. This is a must for healthy Islamic development. In another respect Islamic Fiqh is seriously lacking: the problem-solving approach. Even though particularly Imam Abu Hanifah's school is credited to having emphasis on seeking solution to "problems", the general orientation of Islamic Fiqh has remained dogmatic - deductive. This is especially true, if not more so, in our contemporary time. For example, Islamic scholars/experts formulating Fiqh regarding marriage and divorce might not have any exposure to the nature and extent of problems related to marriage and divorce. Such experts most likely would not or have not undertaken any study to ascertain the nature and extent of the problem before formulating or articulating the laws and edicts. Empiricism is a must for effective and empathetic solutions. Contemporary Islamic laws, i.e., human enunciation of Qur'anic and Prophetic provisions, might be grossly out of touch with the contemporary reality. One can consider, for example, the issue of the apostates (murtad).
7. The orientation of this article is articulation of an Islamic position.
However, what Islam says or said, over time, becomes more difficult to
appreciate when the reality/practice does not conform to what is supposed to
be. Whether people follow what they believe in is a different matter,
but it should be taken into consideration in understanding and analyzing Islam in
the context of a particular issue.
III: Islam and gender issues
a. As human beings - before God - there is no inequality based on gender. Irrespective of gender, there is ONLY ONE criteria of superiority in Islam: Taqwa (consciousness of God that motivates people to act morally). [See my article Taqwa, Ramadan, and the Qur'an: The Triangular Link of Our Ethical System .]
b. Islam does recognize gender difference and takes that into account in its "not equalized", but "balanced" way of life. Men and women in many respects are different. Only women can bear child; men can't. Only women go through menstruation; men don't. Only women can nurse; men can't. Generally, it is recognized that men on average are physically stronger, which is not necessarily a superiority, because often strength goes with abuse, against which men must be on guard. Generally, it is also recognized that women are emotionally more vulnerable, which is not necessarily an inferiority, because there are many delicate aspects of human life, especially in its family dimension, where softness, compassion and affection require the gentle aspect in greater proportion. However, it is very important to recognize that except a very FEW of those can't and don't, much of the other presumed or alleged differences are basically culturally conditioned. Also, the few ones mentioned above about women are merely statement of distinctiveness, NOT indicating anything negative or inferior. [See my article A Cyber-discussion on Gender Equality.]
If anyone has problem with the assumptions and premises about Islam in
general and Islam/gender issues in particular, then the discussion should be
focused on those assumptions and premises. If someone has problem with religion
in general and/or Islam in particular, then the discussion should be at that
level. However, my attempt here is merely to attempt to understand and delineate
SOME of the aspects relevant to the topic. A comparative discussion has to be
dealt with at a separate level.
Part IV: Islam and Marriage
a. Islam is based on choice (volition), not on coercion. [2/al-Baqarah/256]
b. Islam is based on mutual consultation (Shura) of all the parties affected. This is applicable at family, social, national - ALL levels. [42/al-Shura/38]
c. All sexual relations in Islam are within the framework of marriage/family.
d. Reproduction and child-bearing are NOT the primary duties in a woman's life. Basic responsibilities, according to Islam, are similar for men and women. Women are NOT REQUIRED to take care of household duties, according to Islam. Islam does NOT REQUIRE that cooking, cleaning, brooming belong to the domain of women's works.
e. Marriage is a bond between two human beings of OPPOSITE SEX. However, it is in the context of the continuity of "family" as an institution. Thus, marriage has a forward link to children, a backward link to the parents/siblings of the brides/grooms, and a horizontal link with so many other in-laws. That's why broader family input in the marriage decision process is highly desired and can't be overemphasized.
f. In Islam marriage is not a "sacrament" that is irreversible (as in some religion divorce is not allowed), nor is it merely a "contract" because those who would want their relationship to transcend beyond this life (if there is an afterlife!) for them they would be blessed with the eternal companionship of the ones they cherish.
Common problems with marriage in our social context:
Since much of the problems related to divorce stems from problems in marriage, without understanding the problems related to marriage, it is virtually impossible to appreciate the nature of the problems related to divorce.
a. Forced marriage
An important foundation of the entire edifice of Islam is choice. It is also applicable in the context of marriage. In light of another important foundation, Shura or mutual consultation, there is a general desirability of consultation among those who are immediately affected. Marriage is probably the most important decision a person makes in life, as it touches so many other things in life. Given the importance of this step in one's life, parents bring experience and maturity in the decision-making process. It just happens that they are the people who care most about their children. However, while Islam places high - extremely high - value on mutual consultation involving especially the parents, the bottom line is simple: NO ONE CAN BE FORCED INTO A MARRIAGE. The element of coercion makes a marriage inherently and legally (from Fiqhi viewpoint) null and void. From Islamic viewpoint, those who coerce others in such decision-making CAN BE legally held liable, if appropriate laws are in place. The guardians/parents/relatives need to be educated about this matter as far as the bottom line is concerned. Brides/grooms must also be educated about their rights as well as the need and high value of broader mutual consultation. It is unfortunate the religious establishment has done very little to clarify this to the society and educate appropriately. This failure is then wrongly attributed to Islam.
IMPORTANT: In our contemporary context of Bangladesh, particularly in case of brides who are being forced into a marriage, if they don't want that marriage and are willing to face the consequence from the coercing parties, then the only protection available is not to remain silent when the consent "Qabool" is sought. Silence in cases of generally shyness might be okay. But when there is widespread abuse, society can mandate an explicit, verbal answer for the contract to be valid.
b. Arranged marriage
Arranged marriage is more of a society's culture. Neither is it recommended by Islam, nor is it nullified. However, there are several distortions and misperceptions in this regard. Any prospective bride or groom of legal age (Islam does not provide any specific definition of legal age; society has to establish it, if necessary) can initiate the marriage proposal for their own marriage. Islam neither requires nor idealizes that marriage proposal has to be initiated by someone other than the prospective bride/groom. If anyone (parents, guardians, relatives) thinks that it is their RIGHT to initiate the proposal, such right simply does not exist.
Another related problem is bride/grooms not knowing or seeing each other. There are some cases when bride/grooms either haven't seen or don't see each other at all before their marriage. It is done for them. This is against the Islamic guidance.
While Islam does not allow the western dating system, an important problem area is inadequate room for the prospective bride/grooms to see and know each other. To see bride (kone dekha) the way it is done in our society is one-sided, which does not necessarily have any religious sanction. It is not that prospective groom will examine and interview the prospective bride, but not vice versa. BOTH SIDES have the right to be equal participant in the mutual examination and interview.
It also seems that those who want to follow the Islamic guidance, they don't want the prospective groom/bride to be alone during the Kone Dekha. While it is a general Islamic guidance that non-Mahram (those among whom marriage is Islamically prohibited) men and women should not be alone by themselves, the practice of this in this context of marital decision process MAY have been overstretched. The basic religious parameter or concern about such issue is illicit physical contact among the non-Mahrams. Parents or families can work out a supervised environment (may be even in more than one sessions) to let the prospective men and women to get to be better acquainted. Once again, this is a voluntary matter. No coercion should be involved in this process.
c. Contractual foundation
An important dimension of marriage in Islam is that it has a contractual foundation. The fundamentals of the relationship of marriage as an institution is elevated at the level of contract by specifying certain rights and duties. Several notable points in this regard is:
- These contracts are not fully standardized. If any party to the marriage desires additional stipulations that are not definitively prohibited by Islam, such stipulations can be added. Even though, for example, a husband, subject to one of the basic Islamic principles, cannot take a second wife unilaterally, a woman has the right to stipulate that a second wife would not be taken without her consent.
- While marriage on the contractual foundation provides special legal and social status to women in particular, overemphasis on this contractual dimension generally has caused marriage in Islamic contexts to be stale and static. To understand this part, one needs to remember that Islam is based on FITRAH (innate human nature) [Hadith:#1]. Love is an essential dimension of human nature. The real human bond of marriage is love, not contract. Unfortunately, in secular, liberalized context a divorce has taken place between love and marriage. Love does not need to consummate in marriage! To be liberated these days often means that love and romance only - no marriage, no responsibility, no headache - like free birds.
In contrast, Muslims generally have discarded the matter of love in total exchange of marriage, as if these two are substitutes. The guidance of Islam in regard to illicit, premarital/extramarital relationship has been overstretched to the extent that a human being "naturally" (Fitrah-wise) can fall in love - feel a bond and attraction toward each other - is generally denied or ignored. Failure in most Muslim societies to separate between natural human feeling and physical desires has often resulted into confused attitude toward this fundamental human relationship.
This has been taken to such an extreme that the more "religious" a person is, the more "fun" has been taken out of marriage. That the Prophet (s) foot-raced his beloved wife Ayesha (and lost to her one time), that she has taken her wife to outdoor recreational activities are of no consequence to many religious people to whom "fun" and "faith" (Islam) have been rendered antithetical.
d. Dowry and Mahr
One of the worst problems related to marriage in Islam in the context of our society is the issue of dowry. So much of abuse against women is related to this matter. Much of it is because lack of misunderstanding about Islam, lack of education, and lack of effective law enforcement.
Mahr, mutually agreed upon by parties to marriage, is an Islamic requirement. Mahr is to be offered by the groom. There is no restriction on what or how much Mahr can/should be. However, it is desired that it should be according to groom's ability, and subject to BRIDE's consent. Mahr can/should also serve as an economic protection for the wife.
Given the abuses that exist in our society, the following are important considerations: (a) Mahr should not be an exorbitant amount that the groom can't afford; (b) Mahr should be paid off at the time of marriage (that is, it shouldn't be merely in paper); (c) Mahr is for the BRIDE, not her parents or relatives and therefore, Mahr should be transferred to BRIDE; (d) Bride ought to be fully informed about the offered Mahr and her explicit consent should be sought.
As far as dowry - marriage gift sought/demanded by grooms from brides' side - is simply UNISLAMIC. Our dowry related problems are exacerbated by the fact that bride's parents often try to get a specific groom by offering higher (market-wise competitive) dowry to the groom's side. While any gift, given by anyone or any side, must be treated differently, any solicitation/demand has no Islamic validity and vigorous education is needed in this regard to bring this matter to the limelight of society.
e. Spousal abuse
Any abuse (physical or otherwise) is in contravention to Islam. [See my scattered writings, "No wife-beating in Islam" http://www.globalwebpost.com/farooqm/writings/islamic/default.html).
A good part of spousal abuse is related to dowry. If dowry issues are effectively addressed, abuse might be curtailed significantly.
Another source of abuse is tensions related to in-laws. Particularly, the parents of the groom need to understand that when their son marries, they must make proper and adequate room for their daughter-in-law, which must be based on respect and affection. After marriage, their son is not their "son only"; he is also the husband of someone else. The wife needs to understand that the marriage is not to bring a discontinuity or severance of family relationship with parents/relatives of the groom, just because he is now married to her. If everyone would understand their mutual position and status and respectfully make or maintain room for all those who are pertinent to the broader relationship of family, marriage as an institution would be much more enjoyable and viable.
Most such problems relate to the relationship between the bride and her in-laws, particularly the female in-laws (including mother-in-law). If these in-laws would understand that females from their household become bride for another family, and if we are to care for the interest of OUR daughters, then we better pay attention to others' daughters, things might improve. Fairness and justice are essential foundations of Islam. Fairness demands that if the wife is being insulted, harassed, humiliated, or abused by her in-laws, husband must take proper stand to resolve the matter. Similarly, if the source of tension lies in the wife, the husband must not be swayed by his love to be blind to family relationship. Meaningful and sincere efforts must be made to heal and nurture healthy relationship.
Third source of abuse is husband himself, where abuse ranges from verbal to physical. Culturally, abuse is not uncommon in our society - this fact needs to be recognized. It is also needs to be recognized that there seems to be PERCEIVED sanction in Islam regarding beating of wives. As far as I am concerned, THERE IS NO SPOUSAL ABUSE INCLUDING BEATING IN ISLAM. Period. Abusing ANYONE is NOT a personal/family matter. Read several of my scattered writings at my website (URL given above).
f. Shared responsibility
Family life is a shared responsibility. Only partly it is governed by religion. For example, Islam mandates that the maintenance of the family is the responsibility of the husband. Wife, if she has wealth/income, can/may contribute toward the family's expenses, but is not required. Some responsibilities are naturally determined, such as child bearing and nursing. However, much of the rest are shared responsibility in the family, where the allocation is generally governed by custom, but should be based on mutual consultation and understanding of the family members. Participation in household chores - from cleaning, cooking, sewing, taking care of the children, or at least providing or arranging adequate assistance - is the Islamic way.
Husbands should also ensure that particularly during the menstrual cycle and prenatal/postnatal period wives are specially attended.
g. Marriage education
This is one of our biggest lackings. Let alone in Bangladesh, generally in
Muslim societies there is hardly any organized, systematic marriage education
that prepares all the affected parties for marriage, especially the bride and
the groom. To assume that people would somehow just pick up the requisite
knowledge, skills and experience in their married life (from the bashor raat to
beyond) is simply an untenable
proposition or wishful thinking at best.
Part V: Divorce
The aspects discussed so far should help understand better the Islamic perspective on marriage - healthy marriage. There are effective ways to reduce problems related to marriage. However, for various reasons there can be situations where the same human nature - subject to circumstances - that brings two people together may cause them to go apart - once again, subject to circumstances. Islam urges earnest and utmost effort to save a marriage. However, should a marriage become unworkable or unbearable, there is NO taboo - Islam HAS permitted divorce with clear declaration that among all the permissible things, the one most disliked by Allah is divorce. "Divorce without lawful necessity and without first exhausting all the other means ... of resolving the conflict is unlawful and is prohibited in Islam." [al-Qaradawi: p. 212] Then, Islam has gone further to urge the people to deal with each other during and after the process of divorce humanely, decently - with dignity. [2/al-Baqarah/231]
"Divorce or repudiation in Islam is distributed along a continuum encompassing all the religio-legal categories from the one extreme of prescription through the other proscription." [al-Ati, p. 219] Sometime it is OBLIGATORY, sometimes HIGHLY RECOMMENDED, sometimes LAWFUL, sometimes UNDESIRABLE, and, sometimes FORBIDDEN (as during a particular time frame). "The permissibility of divorce in Islam is thus only one of several religio-legal categories and represents an alternative course of action, which is admissible in response to certain basic human needs." [al-Ati, p. 220]
Also, the issue of divorce in cases with couples without children and couples WITH children has to be dealt with somewhat differently. Where children are also caught up in the process, additional weights must be attached toward preserving the marriage.
In Muslim world, the divorce rate potential is probably seriously understated, because the right of financial independence and security Islam envisions for women simply does not exist in reality. Thus, with greater independence (and even greater financial independence with better Islamic awareness and education), the divorce rate can go higher. Would the resultant model be similar to the developed country, where greater independence of women is generally identified as one of the major factors of phenomenal growth rate of divorce? We don't know. There might be some interesting twist. Some empirical studies on rural Bangladesh suggest that the divorce rate after initially rising since 1971 is currently on decline [#7, Shaikh]. Can this be a result of financial independence COMBINED with the overall traditional social environment, where financial independence of women has not resulted in higher rate of divorce? We need more study of this issue.
The following are some of the aspects pertinent to divorce.
a. Privilege of divorcing
Generally speaking, in Islam it is recognized that "the wife has more grounds for seeking a divorce and is accorded a greater justification than the husband." [al-Ati, p. 226] In Islam divorce is NOT the exclusive right of men. Also, it might be a misconception that both men and women have "equal" rights of divorce IN EVERY RESPECT. What is EQUAL is "the right to seek and obtain the dissolution of an unsuccessful marriage. [The mechanisms or channels VARY in kind and accessibility from case to case. Some channels are open to the man only; some to the woman only, with OR WITHOUT judicial intervention; and some to BOTH, directly or through judicial process, with OR WITHOUT the partner's consent." [al-Ati, p. 242] [All emphases are mine.]
b. Procedure of implementing divorce & Abuse in divorcing
Islam has a well-established procedure for implementing divorce. However, there is rarely any systematic education before or after marriage about the various options and potential consequences of either divorce or abuse in seeking divorce. First, there is a first simple REVOCABLE divorce. With additional conditions stipulated, there would be the second REVOCABLE divorce. The third one is IRREVOCABLE. Abuse in divorcing takes many forms.
First, given the overriding emphasis of Islam in preserving the marital bond, it has laid out an elaborate and GRADUAL process toward divorce, where multiple opportunities are presented to turn away from the divorce. Thus is the process of THREE-stage Talaq. Three Talaq should not be exercised at one stroke, because beyond three Talaqs the divorce becomes irrevocable, except through an indirect, rather tortuous route. In a society where marriage is taken seriously, if a person at the heat of the moment exercises three Talaqs at one stroke, it must be legally ignored. In a society where people do not take the issues related to marriage/divorce seriously and such abuses are common, if anyone unscrupulously abuses the three-step option, it is unscrupulous but no more. It is closer to Islamic spirit and the Prophetic legacy that saying "three-Talaq" in one stroke is still only one Talaq from Islamic viewpoint.
Second, if for whatever reason a spouse earnestly seeks (or is determined to seek) divorce (particularly, the wife), while utilizing all the family, social and other means to avoid is desirable, there must not be any abuse of the divorce-seeking spouse. But this is quite common.
Third, there can be significant level of post-divorce abuse. From Islamic viewpoint, a divorce, once permanent, should be a clean break for both sides, even if it was provoked or effected by one side.
Fourth, one of the most common abuses related to divorce is using the threat of divorce to exert greater control over or to harass the spouse.
Fifth, when someone is divorced, Islam still requires from people that they must not look down to the party seeking divorce, especially the female spouse. There are aspects related to human nature that can't be fully overcome. Just like people generally tend to look for virgin bride, there might bea general preference among people the same way. However, there must not be any taboo about divorced women as far as Islam is concerned. More importantly, the society must ensure that beyond what is plain human nature, no right of any divorced women is violated, including alimony.
c. General spousal abuse
Due to human nature and particular dispositions of individuals, it is possible that a marriage may not work out. However, Islam does NOT allow any room for abuse before a marriage heads for divorce, during the divorce proceedings or after. Any violation of this can be prosecutable.
The low (and/or declining) divorce rate, if true, and stability of family as an institution based on marriage must not blind us to a grim as well as (possibly) melancholic reality underlying the pacific surface of the society. Women/wives are generally not our partners (Awliya) in life: they are subordinates. So many hands that are supposed to place a rose in the Khopa of their beloved go for pulling her hair; so many hands that are to embrace her in affection turn into a weapon against her; so many voices that can whisper to her "I love you" became a tool of verbal abuse and cruelty; so many husbands thus may have gotten a wife, but did they get a "heart" full of love? There are so many broken hearts! And, potentially, so many broken homes! Many homes are merely dens of twist and torments! Some are simply like on fire. Indeed, do marriage and love have to be substitutes? Do stable family and greater independence of women have to be substitutes?
d. Lack of mediation/counseling
One of the major shortcomings of Muslim communities is that there is generally no organized counseling or mediation at times of need. We have already mentioned the lack of pre-marriage counseling. After marriage if there is any problem or tension, the counseling/mediation role, if any, is left to the immediate guardians/relatives of each side. The alternative is to go to the court. However, courts are generally there to settle disputes, not to provide counseling or mediation before the problem or dispute reaches the court. It also seems that Islamic literature places preeminent emphasis on the role of respective families in mediation. Even though there is a general validity that the guardian/relatives have vested interest in caring for a resolution/reconciliation, it is my contention that most of us are not very non-partisan, impartial, when it comes to dealing with a dispute involving someone dear to us. If not exclusively, there should be adequate access to professional, impartial and independent mediation service in conjunction to counseling service as needed.
In one of the Islamic conferences I attended in Chicago, Dr. Nancy Lydick (Nasihah - new name assumed after embracing Islam), an American psychologist, conducted an open workshop where men and women could speak up their mind in regard to the problems they face in family setting. Among several common observations from women was that they could rarely talk to their husbands about the problems without accentuating the tension, family members were of no effective help, and independent, impartial counseling and mediation were non-existent. These were families from USA. One can only imagine the kind and extent of problem in a country like Bangladesh, and then especially in rural areas.
VI: Some policy implications
First, some data to consider.
1. Overall divorce rate in Bangladesh has declined in recent years. [#7,
Shaikh] [I would prefer more corroborative data though.]
2. Divorce rate is higher in the rural areas. [#7, Shaikh]
3. Divorce rate in rural areas is declining in recent years. [#7, Shaikh; again,
I would like to see more corroboration.]
4. The younger age category (males < 29; females < 25) shows the highest
proportion of divorce. [#7, Shaikh]
5. Too young age category ( < 15) has shown DRAMATIC rise in divorce rate in
recent years. [#7, Shaikh]
6. Most divorces occur during the first three years of marriage. [#7, Shaikh]
7. Most divorces are related to low-conflict marriages. [#8, Weitzman]
8. Divorcees, especially females, are generally SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE OFF after divorce,
especially in cases of low-conflict marriages (e.g., in the USA)? [#8, Weitzman]
As my personal study of this subject is limited, but if these limited data is further corroborated and found valid, then some of policy implications would be as following:
1. Marriage at too early an age, especially in absence of marriage education, needs to be seriously DISCOURAGED. Islam does not require or even encourage marriage at a "premature" age. Islam does not have a rigid position on this. However, given Islam's position on and attitude toward divorce, there should be more flexibility regarding addressing issues that would facilitate better marriage bond.
2. Additional studies are needed to better understand why marriages are especially vulnerable during the first three years. Systematic and institutionalized marriage education definitely should be of help. Muslims in North America are slowly, but already addressing that.
3. There needs to be better awareness and education about the Western influence and experience. THERE IS A GOOD DEAL TO LEARN FROM THE WEST. But that includes both good and bad. Parallel to the positive achievements in some of the areas related to gender issues, family as an institution in the West is under serious threat. It is important to recognize that while as a parent just as much as I like disposal diapers for great convenience, I am also appalled at the stories (a developing trend) that indicate that the society is not treating merely diapers as disposal - with diapers some babies (literally) and children in general are also being considered as "disposable". Otherwise, it is unthinkable as to how some babies are ending up in trash cans.
Our challenge lies in not mimicking the West. Rather learning and benefiting from its positive experience, and being judicious enough to avoid its negative aspects. The Bangladeshi society with the majority tied to the Islamic tradition - mostly distorted though - needs to rise up to the challenge of making family a better institution, with special attention to the rights, status, and privileges of women. Thus, any tendency or attempt to weaken family itself would be like treating the headache by getting rid of the head altogether. Men and women have to come together in chorus: Family - yes; abuse and injustice - no. In this regard, our societies have an advantageous position to set a better example as we don't consider family as a burden, liability or disease; rather, we value family. We just need to improve and fix its problems.
4. It is alleged (I don't have any data or study information) that financial independence in Bangladesh in the post-Grameen Bank era has weakened the foundation of family and increased the divorce rate. I don't have any information yet on any study on Grameen Bank members or others. However, overall divorce data (based on #7, Shaikh) seems to negate that.
I myself have been involved in an NGO that is broadly patterned after GB, but in two respects are different. (a) It is non-interest bearing, but profit-sharing; and (b) Even though its micro-credit is targeted toward women to foster their financial independence, it also emphasizes strengthening of family bond. The experience of the last 3-4 years has been very encouraging. This, politically-independent, registered NGO (it lends irrespective of religious affiliation) is called NUSRA (Network for Universal Services and Rural Advancement) and currently significantly supported by NABIC (http://www.nabic.org ). Thus, a model for financial independence of women within a "family" framework is already shaping up. Currently, 600+ families are members of this project that provides on average (approx.) $100-$150 micro-credit. Zakat fund is also used for this purpose. If this project experiences long-term viability, more in-depth information about it would be available and further expansion would be undertaken.
VII. Conclusion
I have prepared this write up with an open mind and spirit of learning and inquiry - that is, basically to educate myself. It is not a comprehensive treatment of the subject. Based on the follow up discussion, I intend to further modify this write up and place this article with the relevant reference as well as data/sources at my personal homepage.
My follow up participation on this topic on Alochona would be affected by several factors. First, based on my active participation in Shetubondhon, I do have time constraint. Secondly and more importantly, I generally avoid participation in any discussion that his spoiled by acrimony, frivolity and based on the luxury of only impressions without any due diligence. Also, in sensitive discussions, it is better not to assume anything; rather, the author should be given opportunity to clarify his position.
I began this write up with reference to my beloved's Khopa. I would also like to finish this in similar vein. On our fifteenth wedding anniversary, I translated an English poem to Bangla. If you are interested, you may read it at http://www.globalwebpost.com/farooqm/personal/khukumoni/15_anniver.htm.
Bibliography
QUR'ANIC VERSES referred to in this article (arranged in order of appearance in the the Qur'an):
... Then is it only a part of the Book that you believe in, and do you reject the rest? But what is the reward for those among you who behave like this, but disgrace in this life? - And on the Day of Judgment they shall be consigned to the most grievous penalty. For God is not unmindful of what you do. [2: al-Baqara: 85]
When it is said to them: "Follow what Allah has revealed:" they say: "No, we shall follow the ways of our fathers." What! even though their fathers were void of wisdom and guidance? [2: al-Baqara: 170]
O you who believe! Enter into Islam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the Evil One; for he is to you an avowed enemy. [2: al-Baqara: 208]
A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either hold Together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness. It is not lawful for you, (Men), to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye (judges) do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah; so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah, such persons wrong (Themselves as well as others). [2/al-Baqarah/229]
When ye divorce women, and they fulfill the term of their ('Iddat), either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage; if any one does that; He wrongs his own soul. Do not treat Allah's Signs as a jest, but solemnly rehearse Allah's favours on you, and the fact that He sent down to you the Book and Wisdom, for your instruction. And fear Allah, and know that Allah is well acquainted with all things. [2/al-Baqarah/231]
Let there be no compulsion in religion; Truth stands out clear from Error; whoever rejects Taghut (evil) and believes in God has grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks; and, God hears and knows all things." [2/al-Baqarah/256]
He it is Who has sent down to you the Book: in it are verses basic or fundamental (of established meaning); they are the foundation of the Book: others are allegorical. But those in whose hearts are perversity follow the part thereof that is allegorical, seeking discord, and searching for its hidden meanings; But no one knows its hidden meanings except Allah. And those who are firmly grounded in knowledge say: "We believe in the Book; the whole of it is from our Lord": and none will grasp the Message except people of understanding. [3: ale Imran: 7]
So if they dispute with you, say: "I have submitted my whole self to Allah and so have those who follow me." And say to the People of the Book and to those who are unlearned: "Do you (also) submit yourselves? If they do, they are in right guidance, but if they turn back, your duty is to convey the Message; and in Allah's sight are (all) His servants. [3: Ale-Imran: 20]
Many were the Ways of Life that have passed away before you: travel through the earth, and see what was the end of those who rejected Truth. [3: Ale-Imran: 137]
"... that which is with God is better and more lasting for ... those who hearken to their Rabb, and establish regular prayer, who (conduct) their affairs by MUTUAL CONSULTATION, who spend out of what We bestow upon them for sustenance." [42/al-Shura/38]
HADITHs referred to in this article
1. Narrated Abu Huraira : Allah's Apostle said, "Every person is born on the FITRAH..." [Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 23, Number 441]
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